changes.

assalamualaikum

if anyone ever notice it, I talked about changes a lot, doesnt I? well, it occurs to me that changes around me really impacted me a lot. me myself has changed. well, what have I discover about my own self was truly a shocking discovery, well at least for me.

i have come to discovery that I have been a person who are very sensitive nowadays. i used to be someone who will ignore any sarcasm or harsh words but nowadays, i've been taking those things in different way. i mean, you know, i got hurt by the smallest sarcasm that almost means nothing. well. i don't know. maybe the environment, or the fact that I have had this some sort of unsatisfactory feeling cooped up in me for some particular person that any sarcasm that the particular person throw at me would hurt me. not that i want to be hurt, or, feel hurt, for that matter. it's just, i'm not used to keeping things that i'm not satisfied of by myself. i need to let it out and let that particular person know how I despise the way they act around me. but I cant, all because of the fact that letting it out would make things worst and things are already worse now.

and I feel that by letting things out would be selfish, but then, it really eating me inside! i mean, i dont want to be a selfish person whom i used to be before, i shouldnt let people get hurt too, just because i'm hurt. argh!

these kinds of things made me second guessing my will to change to be a better person and might revert back to my old, ego and full of temper self, and everything will go my own way despite the fact that no one will got my back, not like now. so i'll be alone if i revert, and i dont want to be alone so I rather let this stupid feeling of unsatisfactory,despicable, annoyed and hurt eat me alive inside.

and you might get lose while reading it, if up till now you still dont understand the main point of this blog entry, i wont blame you. i dont quite get it too.

urgh~